Am I in a situationship? A field guide

You've been seeing him for four months. You've met his flatmates. You know how he takes his coffee and which side of the bed he wants. You've got a toothbrush there.

You do not know what you are.

Welcome. Pull up a chair, there's a lot of us.

The definition, properly

A situationship is a relationship in everything but the name. The texting, the sleepovers, the Sunday roasts, the sad little "you up?" at 1am on a Tuesday. All present. What's missing is the sentence that turns it into something you can tell your mum about.

Here's the tell. If it were a friendship, you'd know it was a friendship. If it were a relationship, you'd know that too. The fact that you're googling it at midnight is the diagnosis.

A situationship is a relationship where one person is waiting and the other person is comfortable.

That's the whole thing. Somebody wants the name and somebody's fine without it, and the somebody who's fine has all the power, because nothing happens unless the waiting person forces it.

The signs, mild to terminal

Mild. You've never had a plan more than a week out. Every date is arranged the day before. His diary is apparently a closed book that opens on Thursdays.

Moderate. You've met his friends, but you were introduced by your first name only. No "this is my". Just "this is Hannah". Hannah, who exists.

Getting worse. Your photos together live on your phone and nowhere else. He hasn't soft launched you, hard launched you or launched you at all. (There's a dictionary for the group chat if you need the terms.)

Serious. You've had the "I'm not really looking for anything serious" conversation, and you've filed it under "yet".

Terminal. You've stopped asking your friends what they think, because you already know what they think, and you're tired of hearing it.

The slow burn versus the stall

In fairness, not every unlabelled thing is a situationship. Some people just take a while.

The difference is direction. A slow burn is moving. Slowly, annoyingly, but you can look back three months and see that things are different now. You've met more of his life. He's planned something. He's used the word "we" without flinching.

A situationship is a car with the engine running in a lay-by. Warm, comfortable, going absolutely nowhere. Three months ago looks exactly like today.

If you can't tell which one you're in, ask yourself what's changed since spring. If the answer is "the toothbrush", it's the lay-by.

Why you're still in it

Because it's lovely, obviously. That's the trap. If it were awful you'd have left.

It's also got that low-stakes, no-big-conversation thing going for it. You never had to have The Talk, so you never had to risk The Answer. You get most of the good bits of a relationship without the part where you find out he doesn't want one.

And you've told yourself that asking would ruin it. That he'd bolt. Which is a strange thing to be scared of, if you think about it, because if he'd bolt at being asked what you are, you've got your answer already. You just haven't been told.

The one text that ends it

You don't need a speech. You don't need to "have a conversation about where this is going" in that voice. You need one line, sent in daylight, ideally when you're a bit busy and can't stare at the typing dots.

"What are we doing here?"

Then you shut up and let him answer. Don't soften it. Don't add "no pressure lol". Don't answer it for him.

He'll either say something clear, or he'll say something that sounds clear but isn't. "I really like what we've got" is not an answer. "I don't want to put a label on it" is an answer, and the answer is no. "Honestly, I'd like to be your boyfriend, I was scared to say it" happens more often than you'd think, and it's why the text is worth sending.

The bit nobody puts in the field guide

While we're being honest. If you're not exclusive, and you're not sure, then you're not exclusive.

That's not an accusation. Plenty of situationships are quietly monogamous for months. But "I think we're only seeing each other" is a different sentence from "we've said we're only seeing each other", and only one of them is worth anything at a clinic.

So do the grown-up thing. Get tested every few months while you're in the lay-by. It's free, it's a kit in the post, it's ten minutes. And if you're wondering about him, there's now a way to know whether he's done the same, without a single awkward word.

You get your green tick. You type in his number. If he's tested and clean, you see it. If not, you see nothing, and he never knows you looked.

Doesn't tell you what you are. Does tell you one thing you actually needed to know.

Get your green tick. The rest, you'll have to text him about.