The ick, breadcrumbing, soft launching, love bombing: a dictionary for the group chat

"So he's basically breadcrumbing me but like, in a situationship way, and then he soft launched me which I thought was a green flag but now I think it might be love bombing?"

Reading that back, it's a wonder anyone understands anyone. Here's every term the group chat's been using, in one place, so you can stop nodding and start diagnosing.

The early stages

The talking stage. The bit between matching and being a thing. Messages every day, no date in the diary, nobody's said what it is. Two weeks is normal. Six weeks is pen pals. There's a whole post on it.

Situationship. A relationship in everything but the name. One person's waiting for the name, the other person's comfortable without it. You know how he takes his coffee and not what you are. Field guide here.

DTR. Define the relationship. The conversation that ends a situationship, one way or the other. Sent as one text, in daylight: "what are we doing here?"

Roster. The three to five people he's talking to at once. You're on one. He's on yours. Everyone pretends this isn't happening. It's happening.

Cuffing season. October to February, when single people suddenly want a boyfriend to be cold with. Do not mistake November enthusiasm for a personality. Check again in March.

The bad behaviour

Breadcrumbing. Just enough to keep you interested, never enough to be anything. A like on your story, a "we should do something soon", a voice note at midnight, no plan ever. You are being fed crumbs. Nobody has ever been full on crumbs.

Benching. Same energy, more deliberate. You're the substitute. He's keeping you warm on the sidelines in case the starting line-up doesn't work out. You'll know because he appears exactly when someone else disappears.

Cushioning. He's got a main thing and he's keeping a couple of soft options going so it doesn't hurt if the main thing ends. If you're the cushion, you'll never quite be able to get a Saturday.

Ghosting. He vanishes. No message, no explanation, no goodbye. The number still works, he's just not answering it. It is, weirdly, a complete answer.

Zombieing. The ghost comes back. Three months later, "hey stranger" like nothing happened. Zombies do not get let back in. That's the rule.

Orbiting. He's ghosted you but he's still watching every story and liking every post. Present in your notifications, absent from your life. Block him, or don't, but do stop checking whether he's watched.

The slow fade. Ghosting for cowards. Replies get shorter, gaps get longer, plans get vaguer, until one day you realise it's been three weeks and it's over and nobody said so.

Love bombing. Too much, too fast, too soon. You're the one, after four days. Holidays planned before you've met his mates. It feels incredible and it's designed to. Look at what he does, not how he makes you feel. Green flags are boring. This isn't.

Paperclipping. He pops up every few months with a "hey how've you been" and nothing else, purely to check you'd still reply. Named after the Microsoft one. Equally useless.

The verdicts

The ick. The sudden, permanent moment you stop fancying someone over something tiny. He ran for a bus. He said "nom nom". He wore a lanyard outside work. You can't argue with it and you can't undo it. It is a verdict, not a mood, and it is always right.

Beige flag. Not red, not green. Just a bit odd. He has strong views on the correct way to load a dishwasher. He calls a big shop a "big shop". Harmless, slightly diagnostic, excellent group chat material.

Green flag. The good stuff. He's on time, he asks follow-up questions, he doesn't trash his ex, he texts "home safe?" and then leaves you alone. The full list is here. The rarest one: he mentions getting tested before you do.

Red flag. You know. You've always known. The group chat has been telling you for a month.

The group chat is never wrong. It's just occasionally early.

The Instagram stuff

Soft launch. A hand on a table, a shoulder, two glasses of wine, someone blurry in the background. He exists, but only as evidence. You're allowed to know there's a someone. You are not allowed to know who.

Hard launch. His face, his name, a caption. Possibly a heart. This is the public DTR, and it usually arrives about six weeks and one conversation after the soft one.

Delulu. Deliberately deluded. You know he's breadcrumbing and you've decided to believe he's just busy. Sometimes a coping strategy. Sometimes a lifestyle. Own it either way.

The one we added

Green tick. He's tested, he's clean, it was in the last ninety days, and you can see it without asking him and without him ever knowing you looked.

You need your own tick to see his, which is the catch and the best bit. No tick, no peeking. Same rules for everyone, which is more than you can say for the rest of this dictionary.

If you see nothing, it means nothing. He might not have heard of it. Screenshot this page and send it to him. Or to the group chat. Or both.

Get your green tick, and add a word to the dictionary.